Relationship Woes

I've been with Renald for about 4 months now and between the beginning of it and now, I've been filled with so much fear. When we got back from Thanksgiving, he told me that he'd visited an ex, a really gorgeous ex from my own observations, anyway. We talked and he told me not to worry, even though this girl likes him. Even after all of the talks we had, I still didn't feel completely better about it. A friend talked to him and told me that he deemed me precious, someone he'd hold onto as long as fate would allow. When I asked him about it, he wouldn't say any of that to me and I don't know why. Maybe it's because he just doesn't want me to know any of that, maybe it's because he knows this friend already told me. If the latter is the case, then he needs to know that saying it to me directly would mean so much more

I find myself filled with the same fears as before, that our relationship could end at any time. This normally wouldn't be so scary for me, but there's so much at stake emotionally. He's the first man I've loved in a long time and the first man I had sex with. He was the first to tell me he loved me and I love him, I believe that he does love me. Though I'm worried, because he told me that I loved him more than he loved me. I knew it in the back of my mind, mostly because I do a lot of the work in this relationship and he doesn't seem to care that it hurts me. I put a lot of thought into everything I do for him, but I feel like he never does anything special for me. I don't want anything material. I just want him to do something like skip one night of gaming for me, or just surprise me by coming over earlier than he promises to, or calling me instead of me having to call him all of the time. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him. And it hurts to know that I'm the only one that would care if that ever happened.

Sex and Why Men Suck

So, I know a lot of you are familiar with the phenomenon I call "Only When I Want It" syndrome that occurs in males from ages 18-. It occurs when a man and his girlfriend are lying in bed and the girlfriend asks for sex, to which the guy responds with either a lame excuse or with snoring or some other indication of sleep. The "Only When I Want It" part comes in when, same scenario, girl and guy are lying in bed and girl is not in the mood and just wants to sleep. Guy then proceeds to badger girl until she either gives in or otherwise pisses her off. I don't understand what in the hell is wrong with guys, what happened to guys being the horniest of the sexes? It's SEX they should be all over this shit. My boyfriend masturbates more than anyone I've ever met and it bugs me, because, goddamnit, he has a hole to fuck lying RIGHT NEXT to him who would be more than willing to accommodate that need.

What gets me more is when he says he's in the mood, he gets me all worked up and ready to just pounce, and then just leaves me hanging with some stupid excuse like oh, I hate the smell of the condom lube. It bothers me, because I was like, okay, that's fine, then he continues to do things to get me all worked up and then just stops and suggests AFTER we're in the shower that he could just clean off after we're done. He could have just told me he wasn't in the mood, rather than suggesting something after we could have had sex and therefore satisfied both of our needs. Yeah, I still would have been peeved, but at least I'd be more understanding. PISSES ME OFF. It's sex, goddamnit SEX!!!!!!!! *GRRRR* guys suck.

Turkey Day Turmoil

So, Turkey Day has begun, started off alright considering the fact that I haven't slept since I've been home. I can't sleep when I'm home, I'm way too stressed, family tends to do that to me. I've had a headache since last Monday and being home doesn't do much to help with that. I've been having fun other than that. Talking to my boyfriend this morning helped significantly, he just has a way of making me feel better.

My only sense of escape is when my mom gave me a knife to cut the salad with and that's been my way to vent. 'Chop, chop, chop' I'm so tired of listening to my mom tell me how to do the job I've been charged with since I was ten year after year. Yes, there is more than one way to cut a cucumber, but that way has been the same for ten years, I have the memory of an elephant, not a goldfish. Yes, I know that you have to rinse off the cukes, the lettuce and the tomatoes, I also know that you're supposed to core the tomatoes, and put them in last to keep the salad from getting soggy. I also hate it when she calls me into the kitchen and if I don't jump right up, she starts yelling at me. It's like, I'm sorry I have to get up out of my seat first. I understand that she's mad because my grandmother told her the turkey would take longer than my mom thought and she ended up being right and is angry, but don't take it out on me. I'm not stupid and I'm waiting for the day when my mom realizes that, but I'm not going to hold my breath.